Laughing Through It All

Jokes and Fun Facts

SOUTHERNISMS
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starchaser57
A friend sent this to me by email. I laughed out loud. I had heard many of these since I am from the south. I am not from the deep south but south. Ozarks. I also know people who think like this. For crying out loud, sometimes I think like this. I hope "y'all" enjoy this.

SOUTHERNISMS
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

"Have a cup of coffee--it's already been 'saucered and blowed.'"

"She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm."

"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

"My cow died last night, so I don't need your bull."

"He's as country as cornflakes."

"This is gooder'n grits."

"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy
it."

"I'm 'bout as........"

"Nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs."

"Busy as a moth in a mitten."

"Happy as a clam at high tide."

Notice to Northerners moving to the South:

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it
shortly.

Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners
can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a
four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be
along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their
way. This is what they live for.

You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the
positions of key hills, trees and rocks in the area, you're better off
trying to find it yourself.

Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural
possessive.

Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you
either.

The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's
vocabulary is the adjective "big ol", as in "big ol truck", or "big ol boy".
"Fixin'" (as in "I'm fixin' to go to the store") is 2nd, and "Y'all" is 3rd.

As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone directly in
the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a
John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!", get out of his
way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that
you will ever hear.

Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact
if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may
rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.

If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone
eating.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most
minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local
grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is
just something you're supposed to do.

Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is
positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind
that the dish cost considerably more than the house and should, therefore,
beprominently displayed.

One last warning but probably the most important one to remember: Be
advised that in the South, "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.

A few other folks gave me a few other sayings they were used to hearing all of the time.

When asked how you are, an answer could be “Finer then frogs hair split three ways.”

He's dumber than a sack 'o deer horns.

There is no need to ask for a breakfast menu. You will be having scratch biscuits and gravy, the waitress will ask if you want bacon or pork sausage with that (a true Southerner orders both.)

Deer season is a recognized holiday in these parts. The schools will be closed, along with the bank and most likely the post office.

Don't look shocked when you find out the Homecoming queen is also the president of the Vocational / technical club and an officer in the FFA, this is normal and encouraged. (As a side note, don't make fun of her for any of this. She's been throwing hay since she was 8 and hunting deer since she could walk. You will lose this fight.)

If you want to get along with the local sports fans, start watching NASCAR and following college sports.

Always ask a Southern woman before you kiss her, that way she can take the chew out of her mouth.

The local mechanic cannot fix your imported car, get used to it.

Your SUV is not a truck and certainly not a 4x4. Do not refer to it as one and do not make us invite you offroading so as to prove you wrong.

I have a friend who when she wants to tell me to reach over and take a hold of something, says, “Retch over and take aholt of that.”

(no subject)
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starchaser57
George Younce
1930-2005



Singing News has learned that the legendary George Younce has passed away. According to George's son-in-law, Ernie Haase of Signature Sound, George passed away at approximately 3:30 a.m. this morning (Monday, April 11, 2005).

Ernie Haase has shared with Singing News' Danny Jones that funeral arrangements for George Younce are incomplete at this time. The family hopes to announce plans later this afternoon.

Meanwhile, Ernie asks for everyone's prayers for the entire Younce family during this difficult time. He further states that the family wants everyone to know that George loved the people of Southern Gospel Music and often spoke of the kindness and love he encountered from the fans. George never forgot the fans . . . and the fans will never forget George.
http://singingnews.pointinspace.com/george_younce.html

The Sunshine Coffee Shop
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starchaser57
I created a community for just plain fun. I then invited everyone on my friends list. I hope I invited everyone on my friends list. I did not intend to leave anyone off at all. Also if I invited someone who doesn’t want to join, please forgive me and remove yourself from the list. I want this community to be fun and fun only.

The Sunshine Coffee Shop

http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=sunshine10700

Looking for a new hang out? Welcome to a fun, relaxing atmosphere where adults meet for interesting discussions on everything you can imagine This is the community with a hometown feel, where friends gather to discuss families, and life. Tell us about your favorite television show, books, movies, and music. Do you crochet, garden, cross stitch, or other hobbies? We will share jokes, funny or strange news stories, recipes, and ideas. A place for young and old to kickback, relax, talk with friends and have a good time.

This community is owned and managed by a Christian lady so all things will be G rated. No cussing please. Only clean jokes. Funny news stories will be entertaining also.

It's lemonade, it's lemonade, it's April!
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starchaser57
April

Marcia Masters

It's lemonade; it's lemonade, its daisy,
It's a roller-skating scissor-grinding day;
It's gingham-waisted, chocolate flavored, lazy,
With the children flower-scattered at their play.

It's the sun like watermelon,
And the sidewalks overlaid
With a glaze of yellow yellow
Like a jar of marmalade.

It's the mower gently mowing,
And the stars, like startled glass,
While the mower keeps on going
Through a waterfall of grass.

Then the rich magenta evening
Like a sauce upon the walk.
And the porches softly swinging
With a hammockful of talk.

It's the hobo at the corner
With his lilac-sniffing gait
And the shy departing gait,
And the shy departing thunder
Of the fast departing skate.

It's lemonade, it's lemonade, it's April!
A water sprinkler, puddle winking time,
When a boy who peddles slowly, with a smile remote and holy,
Sells you April chocolate flavored for a dime.

Your guide to an unusual solar eclipse
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starchaser57
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7359823
Residents in parts of the United States will have a chance to watch the moon partially eclipse the sun on April 8. Within a very narrow corridor that extends for about 8,800 miles (14,000 kilometers), the disks of the sun and the moon will appear to exactly coincide, setting up the most unusual type of eclipse known as a hybrid.

Solar eclipses are caused when Earth, the moon and the sun line up just right and the moon casts a shadow on our planet.

On rare occasions, the moon is at such a distance from Earth that its pointed shadow is just long enough to touch Earth for only a short distance along its projected path. The eclipse is only total where the shadow actually intersects Earth’s surface; at other points along the eclipse track, the moon appears ever-so-slightly too small to obscure the sun’s face entirely.

From these places an annulus, or ring of the sun’s surface, remains to be seen; thus, there is an annular eclipse. In essence, this is really nothing more than a fancy partial eclipse.

The effect is like a dark penny atop a shiny nickel. The sun becomes a blazing ring of light at maximum effect.

THE BIBLE according to children
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starchaser57
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IT COMES FROM A
CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE
OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE
WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED NOR
CORRECTED - INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF
CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS
JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE
DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD
TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A
JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED
BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES
WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE
HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO
STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE
FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL
TIMES.

14. ! SOLOMON, O NE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA
CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND
JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS
BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY
SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO
GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN..

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY
WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY

Men and women
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starchaser57
NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call
each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each
other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw a $20, even
thought it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and
none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has 5 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A ! woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE (Too true to be considered humorous)
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed (or so they think)
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING -- Ah Children
A woman knows all about her children. She knows abo! ut dentist appointments, romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret, fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing.

AND FINALLY....
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jackasses and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "In-Laws."
The fight is now officially on again!!

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